im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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