Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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