im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
