how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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