mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
