I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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