Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
