Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
