the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
