When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
