it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
