I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
