I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
