About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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