even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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