Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
