So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
