dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You're a waste of cheezeits
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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