in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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