This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
