I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
