Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
