I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
