So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
