So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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