Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
