Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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