Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
