I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
