the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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