Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
