Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
