im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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