Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
