you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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