nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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