at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
only you would photoshop your dick
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
