Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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