Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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