Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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