Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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