i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
