My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
