We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
