Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
