i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
