I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
