I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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