Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
