So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
